There’s nothing quite like coming

August 26, 2003

There’s nothing quite like coming home to your apartment after being away for three weeks, and finding the decayed remains of a mouse in the middle of your kitchen floor. I’m kind of impressed with the mouse, considering that in its death throes it managed to move the mouse trap it was caught in a good three feet or so from under the sink to the middle of the floor. I’m also relieved that I happened to stay away from my apartment long enough for the mouse to transform from bloated-corpse-that-gives-off-putrid-stench mode to creepy-but-stench-free-pile-of-bones-fur-and-tail mode. I had to spray various cleaning fluids at the floor and do some scrubbing to get all the mouse parts to dissociate themselves from it, but that’s better than having to smell dead-mouse fumes would have been.

In other news, Verizon is really pissing me off right now. It’s not that the service has suddenly degraded or anything; it remains as shitty as it’s always been. No, what’s irritating me is the bill I just got from them. It’s not that the bill was unexpectedly large or anything; the amount of the bill was reasonable as such things go. No, what’s irritating me is the form of the bill; specifically, the form of the envelope that the bill came in. The envelope is upside-fucking-down. I can’t think of any way to explain it other than that.

I picked up the bill such that the writing on the front of the envelope was right-side-up, fully expecting that there would be a flap along the top side of the back that I could gleefully tear open to find out just how much money Verizon claimed I owed them. I flipped the envelope over, only to discover, to my horror, that the flap they expected me to tear was situated along the bottom of the envelope. So now, instead of behaving like books or envelopes, Verizon’s bills behave like coins. Fuckers.

Verizon also loses points for having the gall to print “The Post Office will not deliver mail without postage” on their reply envelopes, instead of something that lets me retain my dignity like “PLACE STAMP HERE”, the way Time Warner Cable does. I sure am glad Verizon informed me about what the post office does and does not deliver, or I might have assumed that postage was a thing of the past and that I could send things for free. Boy, would there have been egg on my face when I tried to mail a mix CD to my friend in Italy without paying postage! Thanks, Verizon, you’ve averted another catastrophe. Fuckers.

Speaking of postage for paying bills for Verizon, I’m also pissed off by the fact that Verizon expects me to pay a 37¢ postage fee for every bill I pay them, while they send me two or three pieces of worthless junk mail a month. I’d much rather have them spend the money they waste on mailing me that bullshit on something useful, like pre-paying the postage on the bill return envelopes. Fuckers.

Why do you hate Verizon today? Leave a comment.

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